Saturday, August 11, 2012

Some days aren't better

So today I read another blog post. It was called Some Days are Better Than Others. I agree with the author whole-heartedly and completely on any given day. As a working mom I do feel the same way and I thing I am generally good at balancing out the good parenting days with the bad. But that was before the hip stuff.

That was before the days when at any given moment I am THAT close to tears because... I feel lazy, I feel fat, I hurt, the sun is out and I don't want to move, I am feeling ok but it is raining, I want to drive, I want my husband to back off and stop telling me to start driving, I want to say I no longer need pain meds, I want them to give me more cause it still freaking hurts, I want someone to see how I am doing without me reaching out first, I want to not talk about the pain, I want to get OUT OF THE HOUSE, I don't want to start work, I want to go camping, I don't want to admit summer is over, I want to jump on the trampoline with my kids, I want to go for a walk with my kids, I want to be BIGGER than the pain so I can get past it, I don't want to think about dinner places based on how I can sit in their chairs, I want people to stop telling me they will be there "just call", I am tired of not sleeping, I am tired of sleeping in, I am tired of being tired having done nothing for 8 weeks.

Now let's see if I can take any day the author describes above and leave the hip stuff out... I can't. It's not only there, it is smothering. This will be me in a couple days because I go back to work. Only it's going to be worse. Every "mommy, what's for dinner" is going to be dreaded because of the thoughts of "what do we have that I can make without going to the store. I can't drive to the store because I barely made it home to take pain killers. He isn't going to want to go back down to the store because he picked up the kids. I can make this but I don't think the kids will eat it. Oh gawd, I just need to sit until the painkillers kick in." That will be followed by "Mommy, I need help with my homework or I need to bring this to school" which will require a similar set of thought trains that end with needing the pain to stop."

I did this surgery so it wouldn't be like this anymore. When will it not be like this anymore? I want to enjoy my kids. I see little glimpses of these upcoming tweenage and teenage years with my daughter and I want to press pause. She wanted me to play Barbies with her yesterday while it was just me, her and Grandma because the Boys are off hunting. I didn't want to get down on the floor. Pretty soon, not only is she not going to WANT to play with me, she isn't going to want me around in her day and I have lost a year now to hip pain. My son. My little guy. He is starting preschool. He is getting so big. He still likes to snuggle. I know we aren't having anymore kids so I have the pounding reminder to treasure everything now but I struggle to. I feel like I am losing that struggle and I am going to miss it.

So back to the some days are better... Yes, living each day/minute like we might die the next is impossible and exhausting. I get that we need to recognize our not so good days and mix them up with the good and great days and to note that some days are better and be okay with it.
But somedays... sometimes it's just as easy to say... some days aren't better, some days are worse... and leave it there.

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