Living in Alaska, people often talk about having SAD or Seasonal Affective Disorder. Often this has to do with the long, dark, winters and how depressed people get because of it. In December, we have about 6 hours of daylight and most people, like me, spend it at work. People ask me about it often "doesn't that bother you?," or "how can you stand it?" Well you keep yourself busy. You learn to not judge your day by light and you try to have fun no matter what. It also helps to take off to Hawaii or Mexico for a couple weeks but we bought a house this year so nooooooo vacation.
I fully expected to have a HORRIBLE time this winter. I was injured, in pain, not going on vacation, and it felt like the temps were below zero FOREVER. I know I complained and it did bug me. But I expected it to be much worse.
Well I was just a little delayed in feeling it.
Daylight savings happened the first weekend of our Spring Break. I always hated 'springin forward' because it meant losing an hour of sleep. Last year, it happened the day before we returned to work and THAT SUCKED. Nothing like staying up late and sleeping in for a week and then losing an hour right as you jump back into Monday of work. I was pretty excited about the timing this year.
Well 'springin forward' and gaining 3-5 minutes of sunlight a day for a week is pretty noticeable when you go back to work. Suddenly, it's past bedtime and you haven't noticed. My time gauge was thrown off. That wasn't the depressing part. Fighting with the kids about bedtime being an actual time and unrelated to the sunset has been a yearly thing. Something else, however, was starting to consume my soul.
Monday, I got off work and took a good mental note of how light it was and how nice it was - it was actually starting to feel like Spring. The Break had been great and I was loving the weather. But still... there was a strange nagging feeling Monday evening - watching the sunset (which was beautiful) left me feeling sad & empty. Tuesday, I was leaving work after 5, which as the Mr. informs me via phone, is way too late based on our contract day. I had to put on my sunglasses before I could even back out of my parking spot. The sun was bright, the car felt warm and I turned the radio up loud. This felt good at first until the first song that happened to shuffle on my playlist was one that frequented my "running playlists" prior to hip drama. I felt a stabbing sadness and as I drove home on roads that are finally free from snow - the stabbiness of the sad grew. I passed a runner, then a second, then a third and about 1 mile from my school - I realized that I WANTED TO GO RUNNING SOOOOO BAD. I thought back to last year when on days near the end of the year, when the sun was streaming into my office window like it was that very day - my friend and I would head out from school as soon as the day ended and run. Or I would go home, say hi to the family as I ran to the room to changing into my running gear. By the time I got out onto the main road, tears were streaming down my face. I had spent the better part of the day in pain and using crutches to get around the front office and it's total of 700 sqft.
I wanted to run but I couldn't even walk.
I cried on and off for a good part of the evening. When I woke up Wednesday morning, I felt a little better and I figured I had a good pity party and had gotten it out of my system. Which held up until the end of the day and the drive home... in the gorgeous sunlight... again.
Day two - spent crying my way home.
I got home and sat on my couch, leaning back, and with my heating pad. Blinds open and gorgeous view out in front of me - something I have been doing for the last several months, and I cried some more.
I couldn't get it. It was warmer. It was sunny. It was beautiful. I had made it. I had survived the long, cold, dark winter and I had done it on crutches with relatively few meltdowns so WTF was this.
Then it hit me. I got through it because it was easy. Few people are chomping at the bit to jump out in sub-zero weather. It was super easy to go home and sit on the couch with a heating pad when it was cold and dark and no one expected anything more. It was ok. It is NOT the same when it nice and sunny. People want to get out and play - my kids, my husband, and even me... but I can't really.
This week I truly felt that my quality of life was gone. I knew it was diminished but I had tried to be positive and stick with it and do things but now I felt defeated. And it was depressing. It was even worse to try and fathom that I am still months out from surgery and beginning recovery. It may not be the "winter blues" but it is depression affected by the seasons...
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