a week from now...

So I decided... I kept my appointment with Dr. Mayo's office for February 16th. It helped a lot that I found out my insurance would cover two flights/year and since I know that my follow-up can be done up here - I bought the ticket. I fly out next Wednesday night.

I am nervous, almost to point of throwing up when I think about it long enough. This visit will hopefully give me more answers than questions. I will be seen by one of the top hip preservation specialists in the country (so I am told). I don't know what I am more scared of... him telling me that I won't be having the surgery or finding out that I do need it - now! I could get down there and he will decide that I will need this surgery at some point but it isn't necessary yet and that kind of scares me because of how much it hurts and how limited I feel. He could also say the other extreme, that I have too much damage and the surgery isn't an option anymore. Either one of those options leave me waiting. Waiting until it REALLY needs it or waiting until a total hip replacement will be done.

Neither of those outcomes will be good.

Then again, the green light for surgery is extremely scary too. This is a big surgery. I am nowhere near ready - emotionally. I don't know how to wrap my head around the changes this will bring. The effects is will have on my family.

Deep breath.

Crying on super bowl Sunday

so I feel like I am hitting a low. and it's kind of all encompassing, not just hip-related. 

but I will start with the hip-related whining. i am out of pain medication... and have been. and it hurts. it hurts a lot. 

it hurts to sit. it hurts to walk. it hurts to lay. it hurts to drive. it hurts to be standing and take a step with my left leg - the act of shifting balanced weight to one side and then another - hurts. 

I am tired of hurting. I feel like it isn't as bad as it could be. I can still walk. I haven't pulled the crutches back out...yet, or bought a cane... yet. It isn't completing debilitating. I understand that. I understand that other people look at me and it doesn't look like anything is wrong. 

I am tired of telling them it hurts. I am tired of re-explaining to my husband why I don't have any desire to do laundry, and not just because I despise laundry, but because our laundry room is downstairs. I am tired of answering other people's "how are you doing" with "fine, just in pain and tired." I am pretty certain that they are tired of hearing it ALMOST as much as I am tired of saying it.

I hate that the pain interferes with something as stupid as laundry. I hate that it has ANY effect on what I do or don't do, but it does. 

My kids race snow machines. They love it and it's, well, it's kinda freaking awesome. It is one of the only things that I have found that actually helps me enjoy the winter - watching them. However, as the name implies - snow is involved. Walking through and on snow is involved. Sometimes the snow is new, fluffy and deep. Sometimes it is packed down but slides around. Sometimes it is packed up into an awesome track with jumps and hills and it makes for a great course to them to race on. However...

Every time it is cold. Sometimes are definitely colder than others but in order to have snow... it has to be cold. Walking on snow, in any form, hurts. Snow is not stable, even when packed, so it gives in a way that this stupid body doesn't handle well. The awesome racecourse - is NOT awesome to try and walk up so that I can actually see my kids ride. I walk the easiest way up. I take my time. But at the end of the day - I can't walk much more, and I spend the rest of the weekend paying for it, over and over and over....

So this last weekend - the kiddos raced. For the first time in weeks in was in the double digits above zero degrees F. It was sunny and it was great. Except for the walking. I did it anyway. I walked up the stupid hill every single time. I videoed the races and I cheered my kids on! Then I spent the rest of the day with a heating pack on my hip, lying back on the couch, hurting, A LOT.

Then I wake up (I suppose you still call it ‘waking up’ – even if it was only a series of unproductive naps that didn’t result in any restful sleep), Sunday… Super Bowl Sunday – hurting quite a bit. Hard to walk… making me re-think the cane and crutches thing. We had made plans for the Super Bowl because anyone, who has a husband like mine, does that. Only to realize after ‘waking’ that is was also my Dad’s Birthday. My Dad, who I hardly get to see anymore since we moved up on the hill. My Dad, who has stopped answering my texts because I am so bad at answering his… How did I not connect the ‘date’ with Super Bowl Sunday? In my head, they were not the same. I tried to fix it and make some plans. But nothing was working out and Dad seemed busy.

So, there I was... on my way to a Super Bowl party, thinking about what a horrible daughter I was… hurting like hell - JUST sitting in the freaking car… and I lost it. I cried and I am not sure how I stopped.

bad weather = bad hip days

I am SOOOOOO tired of the temperature being below 0 degrees F. It is cold, VERY cold.

I left work on Friday and as I was walking out, I thought to myself, "man it is FINALLY getting warm," then I got to my car and the temp was -4 degrees F.  let me clarify.... THIS IS NOT WARM.

No wonder my hip hurts. It hurts like hell.

I can try and blame: standing at my kids snow machine races, sitting at my desk/in meetings, or the fact that I have to be in the car longer... I could blame that.

Or, I could suck it up and realize that is THAT couple with the brain-numbing-freezing-cold weather we have been dealing with for the last couple weeks.

 I took it easy today. Didn't do much. Still hurting like hell.

This sucks and I am staring to think that any surgery possibility won't be until May.... aghghghghghhhh.


whadya do?

wondering some more....

perhaps I shouldn't be looking (and waiting) for the best surgeon...

maybe...

just...

maybe...

I should be looking for the surgeon who it willing to throw in a little lypo on the thighs and tummy - since they would be cutting and breaking stuff in there anyway. Tidy it all up, right????

pshhhhhhh, least they can do it make up for the fact that I won't be able to run off the calories I like to eat and DRINK.

Right?!?!

ignoring the obvious...

My in'laws yard... after storm #1

The steps up to my front door mid second storm....

 Out at the cabin... when the temperature is...........

-22 degrees F... (last weekend)

This morning....

Obviously not going anywhere, anytime soon.

There was a blizzard (or two), then it got really cold, and now it has settled.

Walking through deep snow while your hip hurts because it is brutally cold. It hurts a lot.

it makes you wonder........
why do I live here?
why don't I go where it is warm?
why am I waiting, scared and terrified of a surgery that could potentially help?
what if the surgery doesn't work?
what if the pain never goes away?

what if I can't live here anymore because this damage is irreparable and I will always feel this bad.

darn weather...

I live in Alaska... so I am not "new to snow." But since this summer and my recent move... weather offers a new perspective...

I moved from the east-side of Anchorage to the south-side or Hillside, as some would describe it. We live on the side of a mountain. There are a limited number of houses that are actually higher than ours in this area of the Chugach Range. I love it. It is quiet, we have a view, and the kids can ride their snowmachines between our property and our neighbors (brother & sister-in laws home). So far we love it.

However.... this winter... is ranking pretty high up there in inches of snow and # of crazy winter storms. We have officially exceeded the "average yearly snowfall" and it is only January. We still have 3-4 months left to accumulate more!

For some people, this may not be a problem. Sure - it sucks to drive to work in and can often disrupt plans and lives. But for someone with a bad hip... it means much more.


I have never paid a significant amount of attention when I have heard people state "this cold, or this weather, really makes my joints hurt." It never meant too much to me, at least I never noticed.

It means something different now. I first notice it a month or so ago. Our temps got down below 0 degrees Fahrenheit. I will admit that is cold. I will also admit that I was having a SIGNIFICANT amount of pain. Initially it didn't occur to me that it could be a result of the significant damage to my joint that I have only recently been aware of. Well now... I know it is.

We have had several crazy weather systems that have moved in and out in the past month or so. Temps have ranged from -20 to 40. Yes, I moved in that time and probably overstressed myself a bit.

But I will never deny or second guess the effect the weather has on my already damaged hip.

#hoping the remaining winter weather is mild and hoping for an early summer!

new year, no new plan

I still don't know when anything is going down...

I still have my "appt" on Feb 16th. I can't seem to cancel it, even though I know with certainty, that I will not have surgery that trip. Dr. Mayo is completely booked for January and February - making up appts for people from November and December that had to be rescheduled due to his own bakc surgery.

I do know that he agrees with my diagnosis of hip dysplasia. I was also told that I wouldn't even be considered as a patient if my records didn't indicate the potential need. So despite the awesome pain I am in daily, I now have confirmation from two doctors that there is something wrong with my hip - not just my head.

I am okay with the thought of going down and being told that this surgery isn't my best possible outcome (inappropriate, too much damage, etc....) What I am more concerned about is... flying down there for a consult and having the Dr. say "yes, you really need this surgery, BUT, I can't schedule you for it for another couple months. So, yes, you will have to fly back down, and it will cost you a lot of money"

It just sucks. I know he is good, and likely worth the wait... but the wait/pain is killing me.

I feel like I am in limbo. My original orthopedic physician has referred me on (written me off) to an orthopedic surgeon. The orthopedics surgeon, who doesn't want to do the arthroscopy- because it isn't the entire cause of the injury/pain, has referred me on and pretty much written me off... Now I have a potential surgeon... one, I have never met, and one, who.... can't even tell me anything more BECAUSE HE HAS NEVER SEEN ME.

all of this sucks and I have no real good updates... I am tired, in pain, and completely frustrated with it all. I know I should feel lucky that I was even diagnosed this early in my pain stages and have a POTENTIAL plan of action... but this phase of it, the not knowing/having a plan... is killing me.