Crying on super bowl Sunday

so I feel like I am hitting a low. and it's kind of all encompassing, not just hip-related. 

but I will start with the hip-related whining. i am out of pain medication... and have been. and it hurts. it hurts a lot. 

it hurts to sit. it hurts to walk. it hurts to lay. it hurts to drive. it hurts to be standing and take a step with my left leg - the act of shifting balanced weight to one side and then another - hurts. 

I am tired of hurting. I feel like it isn't as bad as it could be. I can still walk. I haven't pulled the crutches back out...yet, or bought a cane... yet. It isn't completing debilitating. I understand that. I understand that other people look at me and it doesn't look like anything is wrong. 

I am tired of telling them it hurts. I am tired of re-explaining to my husband why I don't have any desire to do laundry, and not just because I despise laundry, but because our laundry room is downstairs. I am tired of answering other people's "how are you doing" with "fine, just in pain and tired." I am pretty certain that they are tired of hearing it ALMOST as much as I am tired of saying it.

I hate that the pain interferes with something as stupid as laundry. I hate that it has ANY effect on what I do or don't do, but it does. 

My kids race snow machines. They love it and it's, well, it's kinda freaking awesome. It is one of the only things that I have found that actually helps me enjoy the winter - watching them. However, as the name implies - snow is involved. Walking through and on snow is involved. Sometimes the snow is new, fluffy and deep. Sometimes it is packed down but slides around. Sometimes it is packed up into an awesome track with jumps and hills and it makes for a great course to them to race on. However...

Every time it is cold. Sometimes are definitely colder than others but in order to have snow... it has to be cold. Walking on snow, in any form, hurts. Snow is not stable, even when packed, so it gives in a way that this stupid body doesn't handle well. The awesome racecourse - is NOT awesome to try and walk up so that I can actually see my kids ride. I walk the easiest way up. I take my time. But at the end of the day - I can't walk much more, and I spend the rest of the weekend paying for it, over and over and over....

So this last weekend - the kiddos raced. For the first time in weeks in was in the double digits above zero degrees F. It was sunny and it was great. Except for the walking. I did it anyway. I walked up the stupid hill every single time. I videoed the races and I cheered my kids on! Then I spent the rest of the day with a heating pack on my hip, lying back on the couch, hurting, A LOT.

Then I wake up (I suppose you still call it ‘waking up’ – even if it was only a series of unproductive naps that didn’t result in any restful sleep), Sunday… Super Bowl Sunday – hurting quite a bit. Hard to walk… making me re-think the cane and crutches thing. We had made plans for the Super Bowl because anyone, who has a husband like mine, does that. Only to realize after ‘waking’ that is was also my Dad’s Birthday. My Dad, who I hardly get to see anymore since we moved up on the hill. My Dad, who has stopped answering my texts because I am so bad at answering his… How did I not connect the ‘date’ with Super Bowl Sunday? In my head, they were not the same. I tried to fix it and make some plans. But nothing was working out and Dad seemed busy.

So, there I was... on my way to a Super Bowl party, thinking about what a horrible daughter I was… hurting like hell - JUST sitting in the freaking car… and I lost it. I cried and I am not sure how I stopped.