pain, pain, go away...

I am just really tired of the pain. It is constant. It ranges from mild - a dull ache that is just enough to remind you it's there, to crippling. I have threatened on FB (more than once in the past several weeks) that I am going to get a cane. but.... I can't bring my self to do it. That feels like admitting defeat. It shouldn't, because pain is your body's way of telling you that something is wrong. Well, hey, I GOT THE MESSAGE! and I am working on it.

It is hard because right now there is no light at the end of my tunnel. There is just waiting. I have been referred to a surgeon. From my research, he is fabulous. Top hip preservation surgeon on the West Coast. But. He is in Seattle and out right now on medical leave. Dr. Keith Mayo. Names sounds good. Office staff was very nice and informative on the phone. But I have no surgery date yet because he hasn't reviewed my file or given me a level of priority for scheduling.

So I just go on day to day. Glaring at pants in my closet that don't seem to go well with flat shoes. These days I can't wear all the shoes I love - that go nicely with the professional outfits I can't really fit into anymore (I guess that works out in the end, right?). Wearing the same couple pairs of pants that look okay with flats (and still fit). I think twice, or wait til I have more to do before getting up to go talk with a coworker because their office is nowhere near mine and I need to include a bathroom trip, a second stop, or a longer conversation to make it worth it to stand up and walk across the school.

I can't cross my damn legs when I sit in meetings or when I plop down on the couch. 

I ignore the laundry piling up in my room (that I had finally dug out of) because going down stairs hurts. Going down stairs carrying large loads of laundry hurts worse.

I don't want to go outside and play with my kids because the deep snow, the uneven snow,  and the ice all present issues for walking.

I don't like to go downstairs to kiss the kiddos good night in their bed because then they want to snuggle, and so do I but their beds are so tiny and it simply hurts.

It hurts to shave my legs, to bend over, to sit up straight, to lay on my side - I do NOT sleep well these days.

It sucks. and I just want it to go away. It is on my mind constantly. If I manage to think about something else for any amount of time - there is some way it brings me back, reminds me it's there.

I am tired.